Gay Relationships Doomed?

Those who have it keep talking about how easy it is to find but in practice, this is not really the case. All I've seen is people who have either been single all along, were in a relationship but are now taking a break, are in an open relationship, are in a relationship but are cheating on each other, just got into a relationship and are madly obsessed with each other or are in a relationship but spend very little time with each other (classic straight married couple where both busy themselves with their careers and/or children).

I don't want to come off as sounding extreme. I have seen people who are in healthy relationships and do spend a lot of time with each other as well as apart but that's one in a million. In some ways, I might've summarized any relationship regardless of gender or sexual orientation in my cases above but I just see it much more often in the gay community.

As if all these observations weren't bad enough, now there's a book validating this fact. There was article in today's Metro with the title "Perennial Singledom Affects Gay Life." In the article, the following facts have been listed:

• 40-60% of gay men are single. This is one-third to two times higher than for lesbians and heterosexuals, and many gay men will spend most of their lives unattached.
• The happiest gay singles are singles by choice.
• 20% of gay men say their current best friend is an ex-lover.
• According to one gay therapist, "Shame about being single has been a common theme in my support group. We've internalized the notion that it's somehow better to be in a relationship so there must be something essentially wrong with us if we've arrived at midlife and we're still single."

The author's recommendation is to come to terms with the fact that you will be single for the rest of your life: "If I'm going to be single for the rest of my life, what am I going to do to be happy? Once you start breaking it down into things like companionship, then start asking yourself how you can have that in your life now. Don't assume that having a boyfriend is the only way to get that."

I have two things to say to this. Firstly, most gay people are not in relationships because they're too damn picky and they think with their penes instead of their brains. Whereas with the heteros, marriage is generally about compatability, with the homos, it has everything to do with how a person looks and nothing to do with how they are. A lot of the people who complain they never find boyfriends will also dismiss people based on ONE photograph or the wrong skin tone or an imperfect feature. And I just love the justifications: sorry, not my type (based on one photo) or sorry, not into asians or his nose is too big. And I just love it when people have a list of all they're not looking for in their profiles. I get a feeling that I'm going to have to submit an application just to talk to them and they've listed out the criteria I must possess to qualify. Give me a break! If you do that, please don't whine about not finding a boyfriend!

Secondly, I'm a little confused about the intentions of the author. He's essentially saying accept that you will be single forever and look for whatever you're looking for in a relationship elsewhere. Well, most gay men are doing exactly that. They go to bars/clubs/bathhouses for sex and they get emotional support from their friends. A relationship combines the two things and for many gay men, there's a disconnect between the two and sex becomes purely a bodily, and not an intimate and spiritual experience. And I think that's where the problem of the community lies. But by saying "accept you will be single forever," he's just promoting the bathhouse culture. Not that there's anything wrong with that if that's what you want but not everyone wants that.

I'm not saying I have all the answers but based on what I've seen, successful relationships require a lot of work and compromise. If you live your life only for yourself, then you will obviously not be able to do that. And while gay men are a little more in touch with their emotions than straight men, they are, in the end, men who think with their penes first and then their hearts last which is why, statistically, lesbian relationships are the most stable, then heterosexual and then gay male relationships.

Gay Palestinians Flee to Israel

BBC article from a few years ago that I just came across today:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3211772.stm

A number of gay Palestinian men are risking their lives to cross the border into Israel, claiming they feel safer among Israelis than their own people.

Shaul Gonen, of Israel's main gay rights lobbying group, Agudah, told Outlook that under international law Israel is obliged to offer asylum to those that seek it. But, he says, it can refuse if the applicants are from an area the state is in conflict with.

In practice, Palestinian gays end up being placed under virtual house arrest because of the fear that they may be potential suicide bombers.

However, many Palestinian gays say they would still rather live under house arrest in Israel, where homosexuality is not considered a crime, than at home.

However, the Israeli secret service also often exploit gay Palestinians, said Mr Gonen.

He says this usually involves coercing them into working undercover, to gather information about other Palestinians.

The precarious status of the gay community means gay men often end up working for the secret service or as targets for exploitation by Israeli men.

"They work as prostitutes, selling their bodies unwillingly because they have to survive," said Mr Gonen.

"Sometimes the Israeli secret police try to recruit them, sometimes the Palestinian police try to recruit them.

"In the end they find themselves falling between all chairs. Nobody wants to help them, everybody wants to use them."


And more...

At the bath houses of Tel Aviv, “Rani” finds anonymity and sometimes a free buffet. And there is always the chance of meeting an Israeli or a rich tourist who will offer his hotel room for a few nights, no questions asked.

For gay Palestinian runaways such as Rani, life on the street in Israel is a daily calculation of how to survive, but it is still easier than the persecution they say they suffered in the more traditional communities in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

Rights activists estimate that 300 mostly male gay Palestinians are quietly eking out a living in Israel, at risk of being forcibly repatriated because they are illegal immigrants or because police consider them a threat.

“The first danger to them is from family and community, as well as (Palestinian) authorities,” said Donatella Rovera of Amnesty International. “Going to Israel is a one-way ticket, and once there their biggest problem is possibly being sent back.”

Palestinian runaways learn Hebrew quickly, playing down their Arab accents. Hospitals are avoided, and cash put aside for private health care. Those who turn to prostitution learn to spot plainclothes police from a distance.

Fearing that word of their whereabouts might reach vengeful relatives back home, they avoid contact with one another.

Mia Nonna

Mia Nonna, mia luce, the light of my life. She lit up wherever she was, laughing merrily, spreading joy. She understood me, she understood everyone. But we never understood her. We never saw past the lovely smile, the diamond tiara, the contagious laughter. We never saw the silent tears, the awful bruises, the torments she lived through, her fear for her children as he molested them in his drunken, stoned state. And his family, who protected him and not her. And all the while, there was she who never tarnished their reputation and bottled it all up inside, her light fading into a misty blue. She still laughed, she still smiled and never said anything when they chastised her that her face was getting paler and she was getting thinner. She held everyone up in her palm, nurturing, understanding their pains, never saying a word when he stole to feed his addictions. She slowly suffered inside. Until one day, she flew. Past him, past his family who protected him, past the police that he had close ties to, the politicians he was friends with. She flew and it all happened so fast, it made me believe in God or at least a guardian angel. She was deeply traumatized, unable to look out at the darkness for fear of seeing his shadow lurking there. He called late at night to threaten her, his friends showed up at her door. What could the police do if he showed up at her place one day with a knife? Nothing. Slowly, she settled into her new life. She started working. And then one day, she met her prince charming and we still didn't understand her. We held her back for we felt it was too soon. But this was it, he was all she deserved... he was her happiness. I visited them for the first time after her wedding 2 years ago. She had regained the rosiness of her cheeks, her melodious laughter. She hugged me and I asked her if she was happy. She told me more than anything in the world. And then she begged me to tell her mother that she was happy too, that I'd seen it. She was still the same, still concerned about others. I love you, I truly do. I know I don't say it often enough but you inspire me to live my life to the fullest.

But I'm also sad... because though you've found happiness in the five short years since you flew, there are others still who are tormented, blackmailed into getting money for them or being discarded, kicked out of the house into a ruthless society. It exasperates me that they're allowed to live in these conditions. It shames me to be born in a society that sides with the oppressor and oppresses the oppressed even more. But I still live in a society where such things happen. So maybe it's just men... certain men.

Gordo

He said he can't look at himself in the mirror anymore. He doesn't like what he sees. I try to tell him that he can change yet he sinks, sinks deep into this sea of despair. Hubbi, I say, things that must be done must be done. You know this. You sit on it and you aggravate the problem and all the while, your mental health is deteriorating. He pays no heed to my advice. In front of me, he agrees and decides to change but soon, all is forgotten and we're back at square one. I guess I see a little bit of me in him. And so I tell him... hubbi, I say, you know like me you are indecisive. I always second-guess myself. Remember I told you I thought you were not shy or introverted? He asks me if I do now. No, not necessarily, I respond. But what do you call someone who second guesses? Not confident, that's it. How eloquent, he jokes. And we move on, another conversation, one of many more to come. He's troubled, I can tell. He told me how when he was coming up in the elevator, he looked at himself in the mirror and hated everything, from apple to pear, gordo. But he isn't the only one. I have a friend who is medically 20lbs underweight but still comments on how he is fat. What can I tell you, hubbi, other than that I love you, love handles and all. I tell you this and I see in your eyes that you do not believe me. I don't know what more I can do but I do feel a little bit of hatred for the community that made you feel this way, my increasing discomfort with associating with such superficialty. I just can't. I was there a week ago and I wanted to run away. I keep hearing Gandhi's words to be the change I wish to see in the world. Well, I renounce this then. I refuse to be superficial. I refuse to give in and try to fit in. I am, I will be, just me. And so should you, whether it be fat or ethnic or boring. Be what makes you happy, hubbi.

Bulbula

I'm not quite sure what to say. I can't seem to quite collect my thoughts but I can't stay quiet either. I was shushed as I gushed out my incoherent, uncollected thoughts. The views I've heard so far are mixed and I guess I too didn't feel like I'd witnessed perfection. It's like loving someone who has glaring holes but you still love them despite their imperfections, for their imperfections. And I was definitely strongly affected. I can't get it out of my mind, I can not. I guess what she said to him was right. Why did it have this effect on me? Well, it's simple. I've idealized love into being this thing it's not. It was flawless love with flawed circumstances but sadly, that's the only time such love exists. At the end of the day, it isn't really reality, is it? It's a fantasy I loved, an impractical, beautiful fantasy. And as it ends, it again idealizes in the most illogical of ways. I sit and watch as he destroys his love which, to me is awfully selfish (quoted feels completely false after all that we’ve learned). How did it get to this point? His smile is etched into my memory like a scar that hurts from which I hope I recover soon. But for the next few days, the obsession will continue. Might as well live the fantasy for now...



Long afloat on shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
'Til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving to your isle.

And you sang, "sail to me,
Sail to me, let me enfold you.
Here I am, here I am
Waiting to hold you."

I'm tired

Up on a pedestal, speaking clearly, speaking loud. My country, a persian prince. I'm falling, faint. Should I go or should I not? They might hate me for who I am but I don't hate them... not even when they singled me out. Sheila, I know you've tried but what do you want me to do? Why am I even involved in this conflict? And why is it more important than any of the others in the world. My artsy world, twirling, the passion, but it wasn't all you claimed it to me. Grace, the world's loveliest smile, dark skin, white teeth, a ghoul. I stood close to you and auntyjee was captivated. Rain rain, all wet. I sulk. Here I am mini dearest. I line up, you see me naked. I suspect it's true. I saw... I can't repeat. I'm tired, I can't take it so save me Ivri. They say I shold hate you but I love you, the siren can be heard in an endless loop. But will you reciprocate? Nope. I fall into an uneasy slumber...