A journal entry
A journal entry from a few weeks ago that explains the situation quite clearly...
In front of me: temptation; at home: fear; in my mind: the eternal doubt. I won't break down and cry like he did on the train the other day. What kind of a human am I for not asking what the problem was? What kind of society do we live in?
But the issue is not him or this train or the society we live in. The issue is me and them. Or perhaps just me... and they just get affected by it. But then don't they affect me? So the issue, I guess, is more intertwined than that. I told him in plain words. I'm getting crazy hours of sleep every night and I still feel drained of energy - classic symptoms of depression. And I know what - who - the cause is.
They can be assured that I will think of them when I make my decision - I can't not. I always have. If not for them, my fate would've been sealed. They represent my roots, my culture, where I come from. And it is a part of me... I am inundated in it. It is intrinsically a part of me. So it's not like I'm trying to escape it.
But my current surroundings do affect me. How can they not? The newspaper glared at me with a new revelation to support the "new" lifestyle: "more than half the Canadians between the ages of 29-59 will never marry." Does marriage - does love - guarantee happiness? In the "old" society, a resounding Yes. Here, I don't know.
But is the ultimate question happiness? I don't think so. It's more about doing the right thing. Neither society makes room for a compromise - both propose their own versions of the right path with no alternatives. What can I do if both of these paths lead in opposite directions? Do I listen to morality or logic?
My dilemma is real and it is only I who can resolve it. And they'll have to deal. They needn't worry though... they will be a big deciding factor. But I need my space to do this. She has to back off or I need to get out. At this point, that is the only solution.
You have to be exposed to a society to fully understand its set of values. As an outsider, if you find it very easy to dismiss the significance of a situation, bear in mind that you're probably using only your own set of values to evaluate it.
In front of me: temptation; at home: fear; in my mind: the eternal doubt. I won't break down and cry like he did on the train the other day. What kind of a human am I for not asking what the problem was? What kind of society do we live in?
But the issue is not him or this train or the society we live in. The issue is me and them. Or perhaps just me... and they just get affected by it. But then don't they affect me? So the issue, I guess, is more intertwined than that. I told him in plain words. I'm getting crazy hours of sleep every night and I still feel drained of energy - classic symptoms of depression. And I know what - who - the cause is.
They can be assured that I will think of them when I make my decision - I can't not. I always have. If not for them, my fate would've been sealed. They represent my roots, my culture, where I come from. And it is a part of me... I am inundated in it. It is intrinsically a part of me. So it's not like I'm trying to escape it.
But my current surroundings do affect me. How can they not? The newspaper glared at me with a new revelation to support the "new" lifestyle: "more than half the Canadians between the ages of 29-59 will never marry." Does marriage - does love - guarantee happiness? In the "old" society, a resounding Yes. Here, I don't know.
But is the ultimate question happiness? I don't think so. It's more about doing the right thing. Neither society makes room for a compromise - both propose their own versions of the right path with no alternatives. What can I do if both of these paths lead in opposite directions? Do I listen to morality or logic?
My dilemma is real and it is only I who can resolve it. And they'll have to deal. They needn't worry though... they will be a big deciding factor. But I need my space to do this. She has to back off or I need to get out. At this point, that is the only solution.
You have to be exposed to a society to fully understand its set of values. As an outsider, if you find it very easy to dismiss the significance of a situation, bear in mind that you're probably using only your own set of values to evaluate it.
posted by Moi at 5:26 p.m.
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