Sonntag

I wish I could sleep for days but I'm afraid that I won't be getting much time to rest until Saturday. The weekend has left me exhausted and I could sense it on Sunday. I almost did pass out during the parade. My feet were killing me but I stayed - for them. There was whinging and bitchiness and unpleasantness along the way and the person I dislike was standing next to me (no, if you're reading this, it wasn't you!) yet my experience still remains untarnished. And it seemed to me like everyone took the heat, the lack of organization and being sprayed with water guns pretty well.

Yes, it was quite commercialized - the biggest floats were all corporate - but I still sensed peoples' sense of self peek out through the corporate logos. A few marched for those who cannot, a few marched for what they believe in. He marched too in his purest form, inciting gasps from everyone, doing something I could never dream of doing. Well, I actually did dream of it last night when I was him with long flowing hair but I had a balding patch on my scalp and the crowd stared me down with unforgiving eyes. Yet he marched; he was not ashamed of his body.

It wasn't ending so I decided to leave. Back on the street, I could barely walk and I started to get claustrophobic. The mounties had gained celebrity status quite deservingly so but so had all the underwear models and I wondered what their claim to fame was.

I ran away seeking shelter. At night, I climbed atop a tall building with winds that threatened to blow unfriendly liquids onto my lovely blue shirt. I heard los dios who spoke about the environment: "if you plan on having children, you have to think about this" (this being the future of the world). "She's right," I said to myself as I fell deep into thought.

That night I returned, relieved to find some normalcy restored to the neighbourhood. It had all the signs of a dying party yet I lingered, fully aware that I would be unable to experience this until the following year. I saw several beauties. Miss T&T was one of them, flawless hair, flawless skin, flawless accent, "career aspirations." I stupidly picked up a free t-shirt that I know I will never wear because it comes down to my knees. I walked in, I said my hellos and as I talked to her, I saw the look in her eyes, that of a mother protecting her offspring. It was then that I realized that I've wronged him and that I continue to do so. She doesn't hate me but I suppose she should for I forgot her, I stole him from her and once broken, I left him to her to gather in her arms to mend.

True pride

This weekend was supposed to be about pride - being proud of who you are. Then why was I aware of every curve, every bump, every pimple, every small imperfection in my body? I stood at the corner of Church and Carlton wishing I were invisible. I told my friend this and he pointed out that that's what being gay was about.

I partially agree but I think it's all in me. I know that the gay community is superficial but my body image is mine alone and I shouldn't let others influence it. It's the small imperfections that make us beautiful, that perfect us. If everyone were flawless, the world wouldn't be beautiful anymore. And once I threw my own concerns to the wind and let the festivities around me take hold of me, I felt a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

Thank You

I was reading an astrology site last night and I found it strangely accurate. One of the things in it really made me think:
You may come to some harsh realizations about your relationships, and even those that you thought were quite good may have to be given up. But you can be sure that any relationship that comes through this period in good shape is very real and important to you.

And this has been quite true ever since I finished university. I've noticed that lately I just don't have time for the BS I could take when I was younger. But any relationships I have right now (well, most of them) are based on mutual respect and I guess I just wanted to thank everyone for having been there for me and for not having given up on our relationship. Since this is a time to be proud of who you are, I can't not thank everyone who's in my life because without them, I'm afraid I never would've fully realized nor accepted let alone be proud of who I am. So thank you all and happy pride!

The Past Two Weeks

To all of you who have put up with the madness of the past two weeks, I offer my gratitude and a sip of the wine I brought home tonight. This includes bitchiness or my disgusting obsession with the unattainable or my strange demands. I can't say I haven't had a great time though. It was a whirlwind of activity and I got caught up in it.

I cannot forget the fully grown woman outside the shopping centre who peed her pants. I don't know what to make of it. I must say that this is one of those things you don't really want stuck in your mind but it is in mine like the image of the dying African child confronted by a vulture in Saving Lives. I am overcome with a strange sadness and hopelessness I cannot explain when I think of these things.

But let's speak of what happened. We spoke our minds tonight, drunken philosophy. I interacted with the tourists who will soon fly back to where they're from. It's like a calling. I know it all too well. It's something I think I will have to face soon... to go back to your roots, to trace back your life to the point where it began. But not just yet. Let me linger a bit longer.

Let me speak of the conviction of my ancestors as I stand here and defy them. Let me think of the inevitable for a moment and put it off though I know I must face it someday quite soon. Let me think of you fondly like a frame in the reel of my past that stayed, unchanging, frozen. Let me convince myself that I won't miss you when I know that I will. Let me sit here and write and not act because that is the easy thing to do. I remain stationary, trapped, captive in a cage of my own making.

The Beast

Hideously corpulent, crude and vulgar, oh vicious vicious beast! You imposed yourself on me wreaking a strange distress on me. You squeezed the life out of me, abused me till I bled dry, writhing, quivering, wanting to be freed of your rude hold. I wasn't freed from you tonight and I gave in to your impolite demands. I fled when I could and I complained. Oh how I complained! I roared and the world heard me and I silenced myself as I realized I was turning into you, loud and obnoxious creature. And I became aware of my needs. Shivering, quivering, wanting to be freed, wanting to be saved. But what from, I cannot tell. It wasn't you, oh beast, for you are what I wish not to become. But as I sit here thinking, I realize that a part of me is you and I suppress that part as much as I can. But still, but still, when my guards are down, that part of me does come around. Because you see, no matter who I try to be, that part is still a part of me.

Adoren

When I caught you looking towards where I walked, I averted my eyes for fear of being exposed. The feelings I hold are mine only. I veiled my sad disposition with mindless chatter and laced it with a burst of laughter to complete the illusion of indifference. But I cared. And I still do.

You misled me, love, with your open nature, with your tenderness. Perhaps if you'd been crueler, perhaps if you'd been less kind, the feeling in my heart would diminish with time. My nervous demeanour could've aroused your sympathy but no. But no! It wasn't just me, it was also you. My heart might be naïve but it can't mislead me; it never has. And I knew what I felt, a feeling I haven't felt in years. It gave me hope but then he took it away from me, seemingly cruel but he was sparing my feelings, I know.

Adoren, I do, for this I cannot explain to my comrades. But this I will confess: I have stolen past your alley several times in hope of being recognized sans succès.

I feel a little pathetic and I made my confession, I did. But still, it did not help and my agony has only grown to a level where I cannot contain it, where every permutation of your name taunts me mercilessly. Oh love, what am I now, the grime on these windows or the dirt beneath the sole of your shoes or the speck of dust that floated onto your magnificent tie and you flicked away with indifference.

I was tempted by fate who painted me a beautiful lie, with promise of what I long for, what I crave but... I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain... ce que je suis, tout seul.

Crazy Pursuit

Contrary to yesterday's feeling of impending doom, despite very strong evidence warning me of failure, I have been encouraged to jump into the fire head-first. Though failure is almost guaranteed, I think perhaps this is meant to be more symbolic, an act of taking life by the reins. Will I live up to the challenge or not? I know myself. I can be influenced temporarily but in the end, this pig-headed man does what he truly wants.

P.S. Huddled in a corner, hiding from the vicious sunlight and the intrusive eyes of strangers, I poured my thoughts onto a writing pad stolen from my hotel room. A lot was said of "he" and "he" and "he" and perhaps a bit of me. Look for several backdated posts as soon as I get a chance to post them. And I shall try and keep you updated on this crazy crazy endeavour, my lovelies.

Your town isn't all I heard it to be...

Choppy Recollections

It seems so far away. How can I gather these thoughts and pour them onto here? Let's see... I heard of your town as heaven on earth where men can earn more than their worth. And in this town, I did see great things, ornate things, and I was awestruck. But I also saw heinous things, oozing venom, and I wasn't pleased. I am a man who preaches equality, m'dear, and this in your town I did not see.

But there was one, a Lebanese gem, who spent ages with me. I looked at him, he looked at me, it was special. I saw beauty, he saw... well, I don't know what he saw. These grand buildings, lush gardens, they could not compare to his beauty, his radiant personality. And then I admitted to you that indeed, in your city is found true beauty, a beauty of character.

What I didn't say to him

Choppy Recollections

Theodore, listen to me. The Holy words, they've come to me, descended from the Heavens. Grieve not love, life has hope, for you, for me. Sans amour, what is this life, this existence? Without devotion, why live? They spoke to me in hushed tones, sang to me His Holy songs and I listened, enraptured. So Theodore, where have you come from? Now you are my brother and I shall embrace you, decorate your cheeks with warm kisses. Such is my love. Take be by the hand, Theodore, and lead me to that what I desire. But that isn't what I desire...

I melted under your touch, soft and genuine were your welcomes to me. We walked hand in hand, we did, like two lost lovers. In your hand was my sweaty palm and in your breath a forgotten song. A little short but we'll make it work, your nature and mine are a perfect fit. But you don't want me, you're merely fascinated. But I'm more than fascinated, by you, by the way you took my hand. And led me to that which I wanted not, but you thought that I did. I wanted you.