I watched

Choppy Recollections

I walked in, lowered gaze, as recommended. I heard her break down behind me pleading for forgiveness. I watched. I felt nothing. I beat myself up over it. I thought that I should feel something. I watched. I felt nothing. I watched as others beside me burst into tears. I felt guiltier. I was surrounded by a barrage of prayers that hit me wave after wave. I watched and I listened. I saw perseverance in the man with an amputated leg who propelled himself forward on his hands among a throng that could trample him. I saw devotion in the old women with hunched backs and the men with canes and others who were oblivious of their surroundings. I also saw groups engaged in call and answer, mad dashes to overtake others, pushing and shoving, and cellphone conversations. I watched like an outsider, fascinated. I saw beauty in youth, the effects of time, I saw contentment and wisdom but I also saw immaturity. I watched. As I left, there were children on the street who poked and prodded me for change and I'd turned to stone. If I helped one, I would be tackled to the floor by the rest. I tried hard not to but I watched. I slept that night, overwhelmed. When I returned, my experience was different from the day before. Now I watched, I listened, I moved but deep in my heart, I found peace for my guilt trip had come to pass.

Shitty Poem

Subtle whispers of what is to come
I know, I know but still I say naught
You take me aside and tell me to pray
I agree but my stomach is taut

I tried, I tried, Mama dearest
But nothing will please you, will it?
Thousands of miles, go I might
But your respect for me won't grow, will it?

All my close allies are now yours
You took over what was mine
And as I wander alone with strangers
Not a moment I have to pause and pine

With you, I go, willing or unwilling
To gain approval, to gain acceptance
But in your mind is something different
You think I go to seek penance.

Childless

I am overcome with sadness - for her. She will never experience motherhood and for a woman, not having a choice in that matter is the worst thing possible. Her laughter, her smile, her beautiful personality are just a cover. Her mother wept, I'm sure she does too.

He told me that he wasn't looking for love. His talk reminded me of the young one. He just wants to have fun. I'm afraid that he might become just like the rest of them and if he does, then he can't be mine. Futo, just futo. Yes, the maki, futo.

I thought. A lot. I reminisced, I laughed, I cried. I shared those feelings with you and you played along pretending to care though I could see the indifference in your eyes that gazed out the window and your yawn that reeked of boredom. Your attempts at relaxation threatened to become my bane once again and I pushed you away. I believed that if I distanced myself from you, things would retract to the way they were before the madness began but how can you get to unknow a person once you get to know them? You can't.

Faces

I saw many faces tonight. I saw the face of the most genuine and giving person who warmed my heart. I saw the face of someone who is falling in love and I saw uncertainty there but I also saw hope and it filled me with longing. I saw a face that had returned that I had not expected to see and I was overjoyed. I saw the prettiest face next with her lovely eyes and it made me want to dance with her but she was PMSing as always. Then I saw the one who eyed me with contempt for not providing him the monopoly of my time and it made me feel guilty. And then came the one who was a little insecure and that made his face seem unapproachable and I remembered the way I'd been.

I also saw the one that someone had attempted to pair me up with and I'd given him a piece of my affection but he wasn't worthy. I saw the other one that I was going to be paired with and I thanked God that it hadn't come to pass. I despise arrogance. I saw a lustful face as he eyed her and asked about her greedily. I wrapped her in my protective cocoon. Cockblock. I thought of myself. We're not like them, me and her. We're genuine, we give our heart and soul to the people we care for. But these faces, they suck you dry for all you're worth and discard you like waste. I resolved not to let it be. It disturbed me that he had such intentions towards her.

Earlier in the night, I had seen the face of the one who had been his and I wondered where he had been. I saw his face last buried in another's and my heart wept as my hope diminished and a pessimistic scepticism took over me. I've recoiled into myself and I hope that tomorrow I let the guard down once more but right now, I can't help but hate men just a tad.

Be Strong

I erupted into this song in the shower this morning with thoughts of him on my mind and his loss. What can you say when a soul departs because nothing you will say will make the other person feel good. All you can say is... let it out, express your loss so you may be at peace.

Be Strong
Be strong, be strong
Though night has come
The journey, my dear, has just begun

Be brave, be brave
In time you'll see
That I was all I was meant to be

But I am scared of death, he said
As he looked at me in my deathbed
To him I said be strong, my dear
My new beginning is very near.

Be strong, be strong, my love, be strong
And always remember me.

... but I don't need love to live!

I saw the Lord of the Rings musical tonight and I'm left wondering what people were talking about. I'm a little peeved with people for being so negative. Perhaps it's because it's a Toronto-based production, perhaps it's because they're comparing it to the movies, perhaps it's just because they like to whinge but people have been overly critical of the musical. I admit that there were some things that could be improved, some aspects of it that were hard to swallow. But overall, they did something I wouldn't've thought possible - compress a 1000+ page book and a 10+ hour trilogy into 3.5 h. The sets were amazing, the whole stage was a whirlwind of activity and the scenes flowed seamlessly from one to the other.

On my way back home, I had a chat with my friend about love. It's funny how we understand each other. She commented on how she wondered if she would ever fall in love again and that she was okay with that. We both have something to compensate for the lack of love in our lives, she has her not-boyfriend who is crazy about her but she not-so-much about him; I have my support network that feeds my need to be with others. To be quite honest, I have been told by a lot to compromise, for experience, for the sake of trying it out. But why should I? If I were going to do that, why wouldn't I just give in to my mum and marry someone of her liking? But no! I will go through life and if I find the love of my life, great! But if I don't, then I'm okay with that too.

No culture can be more obsessed with love than the Indian culture. In Hindi, there are at least 5-6 different degrees of love, from liking someone to the most extreme being majnoon, where one loses all sense of self and goes utterly crazy for his/her lover with one sole goal: acquiring the love of that person and pleasing them. Now perhaps the love I want shouldn't be so extreme or scary but I would hope that it would be towards the upper end of that scale ;)


Love me for stupid reasons
I like those most

Blatant discrimination!!

I've had it! I just received an invitation a company event which has left me fuming. Here are a few excerpts:

Please review your schedule and let me know if you, your spouse/partner and or kids will be attending.

We would like everyone in the company to attend this event. So, for those of you who are not based at our Toronto location, we are offering you a travel and accommodation allowance to attend this event. The maximum allowance is $500 for a single person, or $1,000 for a family.

At all events, in the past, it's always you and spouse/partner. I want to know why! Why are single people discriminated against just because they choose not to be in a relationship? Why do I have to be penalized for being single by receiving less money, and having to share a room and a table with other single people? Why must I go to the party and watch all the couples dance while I sit at the singles table?

Maybe I have a friend who is just as dear to me as a spouse is to another. Maybe I enjoy his/her company just as much. But no! I shall be treated like a second-class citizen just because I'm single. Grrr!

Fat Lip

I've got a fat lower lip bearing an awful lot of similarity to Pam's collagen-injected lips.

*Pouts* My, don't I look sexy? Lol, might as well enjoy it while it lasts...

Oh no! I've been tagged!!

"Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like most, then tag some people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used."

1. Godiva's dark chocolate truffles. I love chocolate and they are the most exquisite although Baci are a close second because of their name, the hazelnut and the cheesy messages that I love so much! Honorable mention: my amazing chocolate truffle moisturizer with real chocolate in it =D
2. Reading a book (specifically one of the Harry Potter books) in a quiet park under a tree on a sunny day. Fine, I know I need to get more original...
3. Long walks. I seriously adore long walks in the summer whether it be on a trail or downtown Toronto. There are a lot of sights to take in!
4. The smell of smoke in a man's stubble after he's had a ciggy. Chastise me all you want for promoting something that we all know kills you but this really does turn me on.
5. Spider rolls. There's something quite decadent about Japanese food and I love spider rolls. It's something I treat myself to rarely with lots of wasabi. Yum!
6. Pressing the Snooze button. I honestly would've killed myself or smashed my alarm clock against the wall if not for it.
7. Learning a cool, new word (esp. Brit slang). I remember how taken I was with the word whinge when I first heard it or "Lush!". I ran around town saying that to everyone. Oh, and as a kid, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, which according to Wikipedia means "atoning for extreme and delicate beauty while still being highly educable" and I think describes me perfectly, don't y'all think?
8. Thunderstorms! After all, I wouldn't be a true South Asian if I didn't long for monsoon-like storms so I can do one of:
   (A) Stand on the balcony/porch/veranda and sing
   (B) Walk into the rain fully clothed to get wet
   (C) Get my mom to make me something deep-fried and yummy!
   (D) Curl up in a blanket next to the fireplace
9. Foreign languages - everything to do with them whether it be sexy accents or Neruda or Khusro...
10. Singing in the shower. Que je mourrais si je ne pourrais pas le faire! A word of warning: you do *not* want to be in the same building, let alone the same apartment, while I'm doing this. I believe once my neighbour knocked on the door to tell me to shut the hell up... I pretended to not have heard the knock on the door *insert blush emoticon*.

Hmmm... I dunno who reads my blog regularly... *thinks* I tag Hakeem and Kevin!

Persian food

I just had persian food for lunch and it was exquisite! Pilav and chicken kebab... yum! I find it interesting how the Chinese and Japanese consider rice that sticks together good whereas in Indian and Persian cuisines, each grain must be separate for the rice to be considered good.

What is and was

There's a bump on my head where life tried to knock some sense into me; it failed.
There was a wound on my toe where I cut my nail too deep and it bled; it healed.

There's a stain on my countertop where you spilled some General Tso Chicken; it thickened into a sticky dark circle.
There were leftovers in the fridge that I thought I'd eat the next day; I devoured them when I returned home drunk.

There's despair and uncertainty about the future that I thought would diminish as time passed by; it grew.
There was hope in my heart that we could patch things up; it was false hope.

There's a void in my heart from when you left me standing all alone; it deepened.
There was the time she told me that life would get better and that true love awaited me; she lied.

Paralyzed

O' my naive heart
What is this longing
What is this yearning...

I can't say
What it is I'm longing for

It's as if life is a little lost, a little surprised

The world's silent, so's the sky
All I hear echoing from every corner is my heartbeat

If I knew what it is that I want, then at least my heart could rest. But here I am yet again, tumbling into turmoil. I'm ready to relinquish these drunken nights, they won't get me anywhere except into trouble. It's passing time, time I'm letting slip from my fingertips, time that could be used to accomplish so much more. My life's at a standstill; I cannot proceed this way or that, completely paralyzed. I keep thinking of you. My life is a pendulum. It swings from you to me and back. You're always on my mind but I cannot make you a part of my life because that isn't how it happens. *Sigh* the same bullshit all over.