Another one of those moods...

There's a park at a short drive from my house where I like to go sometimes. Once, I was just driving around and the road ended in a parking lot. And there it was - a small park surrounded on all three sides by the lake. There's an old abandoned ship there. That night, there was a full moon, the wind blew strongly against my face and my heart filled with joy. I wished that I were there with that special someone whose hand I could hold as we sat on a rock in the darkness, in the city but still solitary, and looking out at the shimmering water, croon in his ear:
"Tu mila tu yay ehsaas huwa hai mujhko
Yay meri umr mohabbat ke liye thodi hai
Ik zara sa gham-e-dauran ka bhee haq hai jiss par
Maine woh saans bhee tere liye rakh chodi hai."

Give her a chance...

I have to say that I am quite appalled over what a big issue Michaelle Jean's separatist vote has become despite her recent statement that she is devoted to Canada. That was decades ago, people! The political landscape of the country has transformed since then. In the time I spent in the separatist heart of Quebec, I began to understand the separatist movement. It's a whole different world out there; it feels like a different country. And that's not to say that I am separatist; I think that Quebec is an integral part of Canada. So many great things have come out of la belle province.

But I think that sentiment has changed in Quebec since the referendum. Globalization has led to realization that we have to stick together to move forward. My mère d'accueil told me that she feels like Quebec needs outside help to sustain it's beautiful culture. They need more people to move there because the employment situation - at least in the Saguenay region - is quite dismal. It was almost as if she was inviting me to move there. And all the jeunes du Québec are learning english and spanish. I think that perhaps they realize the threat of globalization much better than we - being the dominant culture of the country - do.

Five weeks there made me appreciate the struggle of a pays (that's what they call themselves) to keep their culture alive. Michaelle Jean has lived there for years, through racial strifes and political uncertainty. Let's cut her some slack! After all, she wouldn't accept the position of Governor-general of Canada if she didn't support the country.

'Great' minds think alike

A few days ago, I was talking to one of my friends and she mentioned how if she were to die the next day, she would have no regrets; she felt like she'd experienced everything life had to offer already. What was remarkable though was that she expressed exactly the same feelings I've been feeling now for a few days.

We'd had a lot of discussions about religion in the past and it had been a constant source of turmoil for me - which path is right and which isn't? We had two mutual friends, one Hindu and one Muslim, both devout, both who deeply respected each other but believed that their religion was right. Deep down, they had to believe that the other was wrong. How can you reconcile the cycle of rebirth with the notion of heaven and hell? She once asked me why I was so concerned. Did it really matter as long as you did good? She didn't believe there was anything after death; this body is an empty shell and once we die, the energy that makes us function leaves our body and joins the Universe once again without any memory of what it had been in a previous lifetime.

I've been thinking a lot about that lately. A recent trip to the zoo seemed to scream out that evolution is real despite the claims that we were created from clay, custom-made by God Him/Herself. So why are humans more special than animals or plants? Why do we have souls and they don't? Why are we the focal point of the Universe? Why do we form such a big part of God's great scheme of things? I mean... heaven can not be heaven for me because I am human for my undying curiosity and if I have all my heart desires, I will get bored and if I don't get bored, then I'm not human anymore and if I'm not human anymore, then I won't really be who I am now and I'm not who I am, then why should I care now about what happens to me then? And karma and dharma, well, that makes more sense but I have no recollection of what or who I was in my past life so how am I supposed to evolve into a more enlightened being...

So what is there to my life? Doesn't seem like there's much of a higher meaning. Perhaps this is it! Perhaps everyone here on earth is here for one simple reason: their ancestors had the desire to live and to leave their seed on earth. Those who didn't perished. And if there is no higher meaning to my life, why bother? Why make ties with money and a career and a mortgage and children... why? I'm not suicidal but if I were to die tomorrow, what would change?

Perhaps I should become a sanyasi and move to Nepal somewhere deep in the heart of the Himalayas where I can live with the monks and renounce all things worldly... but then I'd have to be devoted to the One and I don't know if I have that devotion in me, at least right now. I don't know if I'm ready to make up my mind about what is right and what's not. Logic has this strange way of deserting you when it comes time to apply it in a real-world situation.

We ended the phonecall with the knowledge that we would most likely follow in the footsteps of our ancestors. There's no use fighting it. But if we were to perish before ensuring that our lineage will continue, we would be okay with that.

I am farmer descendant

How do I know, you say?

There was lightning and thunder, it got darker than nighttime as thick black clouds rolled in. I saw lightning strike a building. Some of my co-workers got scared, others were worried about how they would get home.

My Indian co-worker and I moved closer to the window and gazed outside dreaming of verandas and freshly-cooked pakoras. And as the rain started falling from the sky, my heart was filled with joy, one that bubbled forth energetically, that I couldn't suppress if I tried, that took over my entire body and made me sit by the window for half an hour staring out at the overcast skies.

Funny, I just remembered how my dada used to sing to me: Kaale baadal aye'nge, aakar mee'n barsaae'nge, aakar mee'n barsaee'nge, kaale baadal aaye'nge.

Haha, definitely farmer descendant!

Rabba rabba mee'n barsa
Saadee kothi daane paa
Kaava kaava kaava
Ajj mera jee karda main udd jaa'n naal havava'n

And you thought you knew math...

Statement: 4 = 5

Proof
(1) -20 = -20
(2) 16 - 36 = 25 - 45
(3) 4² - 36 = 5² - 45
(4) 4² - 36 + (⁹/₂)² = 5² - 45 + (⁹/₂)²
(5) (4 - ⁹/₂)² = (5 - ⁹/₂)²
(6) 4 - ⁹/₂ = 5 - ⁹/₂
(7) 4 = 5.

SPOILER: Don't read comments until you've looked over the proof.

can

i-dip-my-pen-in-the-inkpot-but-i-tip-it-over-by-mistake-and-it-spills-all-over-scattering-words-and-now-my-desk-is-littered-with-words-that-do-not-make-any-sense-but-bring-out-a-thread-and-string-them-together-and-they-are-beads-that-form-a-necklace-that-tells-a-tale-of-a-boy-who-wants-to-be-a-man-but-he-is-caught-in-this-web-and-he-feels-like-he-still-has-much-to-learn-about-himself-that-will-make-some-of-the-awkwardness-go-away-by-replacing-it-with-surety-and-he-resolves-that-he-will-make-it-happen-no-matter-what-and-that-soon-he-will-fly-free.

Lust

Ahhhh, qu'il est beau! Je pense qu'il s'appelle Alec mais je ne suis pas sûr. Il a un bon sens se ce qu'il est à la mode, par exemple, l'autre jour, il a porté une chemise rose qui était très mignon. Moi, je l'aime beaucoup et je l'ai trouvée à Club Monaco mais il y a seulement des tailles super-super-grandes. C'est dommage ça parce que cette chemise est à vente ahaha. Et en plus, hier, il a porté une chemise bleue foncée. C'était brillant! il a semblé rayonnant dans cette chemise. Il est mon chevalier en armure brillante, il est mon sauveur, mon raison d'être, mon soleil qui fait briller ma journée. Il est la lumière qui me guide dans le noir, il chuchote des phrases douces et amoureuses dans mes oreilles. Je le désire, je le désire plus que toutes les autres choses au monde. Oh, je mourrai sans lui... que je mourrai!! Ahaha, me = drama queen!!

Inconsequential

I am inconsequential. I am a dying flame of the Universe with a sense of pride weak. And I'm starting to talk like Yoda. It's times like this when this social awkwardness takes over me that I become a blabbering idiot. But what is it, I ask you, that distinguishes me from the other 6.5 billion? What do they see in me, what do they make of me? If I were to die tomorrow, would it matter? No. I am inconsequential and I don't believe there is a great, complex spiritual truth. We are born, we live, we die, we are energy, we change form. There is no more. What if there is nothing after death? We die and that's it... we don't carry memories from this life to the next. But no, us humans are too egotistic. And what of accountability? We need a sense of equality and justice or chaos would break out. God is hope because we turn to him/her when hope is fading. God is the unknown because it helps us provide an explanation for the unknown. God is our insecurities because we turn to him/her to cover up our insecurities. And I am inconsequential, smaller than a fly, a speck of dust, an atom, a subatomic particle... smaller than all. And that's probably what I was to him, inconsequential.

Y él es flama que se eleva
Y es un pájaro a volar
En la noche que se encendió
El infierno es este cielo