Reminiscing

I'm wearing a parrot green today and I remember the days of the neatly partitioned hair and the night of the angel wings, now hung neatlhy in a plastic cover in my closet. I remember the small townhouse and the humid basement with wallpaper showing a view of earth from space. There was Julie with whom I compared my complexion and then there was Julie with whom I shared my first glass of white wine that Tara brought us. She was a good hostess though she didn't have to be and I shamelessly sent her my phone number and she actually called and left me a message. I remember being drawn to the little alternative scene in which my artistic side thrived. Then came the gay community which eclipsed everything else for what seems like forever. I retracted to my roots, I rejected what didn't make sense but it's still a source of turmoil to me. I was self-conscious and carefree at the same time. I took on the insecurities of others. I remember Barbie Girl and I sat in a corner and feigned invisibility. I cast aside his interest and he moved on; I stayed in my corner. I was distressed at the sight of the one who had cut her finger and hurled at me; I retracted. Then there was the night I relived the scariest night of my life and I was surprised to discover that although I was no longer a child, I still felt the fears I did as a child. I remember numbness and the inability to feel due to the sense of lost innocence, a childhood stolen. I remember the confrontation and I remember pushing out anyone who tried to penetrate that shell. Gifty was the first one I confided in and she helped me through but now we've fallen out of touch. I'm not sure why I changed but I think that the person I used to be matches a lot more with my personality.