Flashbacks

I think I died and this is just a dream. I can't not have. That night, all I remember is bone-chilling cold, then scorching heat. Did I take a trip to hell? I think so. Many a night I lay there, naked flesh, unbearable heat, still air, and I longed for just a breeze, an ice-cold sip of water, a song. She came to me then, dressed in lovely tawaif garb and hummed a tune in my ear. Then I was up and walking in the direction of water in a trance-like state. There he lay, the spitting image of beauty, black, sleeping. I lied down too - to his right - but I couldn't sleep. Under the shade of the tree, the gentle breeze revived me. It breathed life into me. I felt energy flow in and I rose again, only to be struck down and lose consciousness for a week.

He never came

Perhaps it's for the best that we didn't meet up. What would I have done with someone who lives in New York? I've been through this enough times to pull myself away from it. It's just that I haven't met anyone like him in ages. I even walked all the way to the pier and seated myself there in hopes that he would arrive. But he didn't come. Only mr creepy showed up and I snapped at him... I don't like gossip of that sort. And my love never came. I went back home and sunk into depression. He still never came.

Perhaps I should go marry one of those Brazilian hunks instead...

Splash 2

Ugh! My feet are killing me and I smell of green apples. Joey was there and he spoke to me. And I cried a little in a corner. Then a frenchman came and he was a jerk. Typical! We walked, we walked. Wha' ya' wan'? Padmani - tum pad maar ke money kamati ho. Oh my god-uh! I'm very sorry to say but you're a bottom. I love it! Yummy yummy! Aaaaaaah, stop it, stop it, my tummy hurts!

Splash

There was a man from Minnesota and I was from Montreal. The roof spun, I rotated slowly. There were jaye-jaye ladke aplenty to be touched. One dollar, one dollar. I think I gave ten. *SHRIEK* Oh who cares? And the world spun, the debauchery began and I actually liked it.

Another Revelation

I was just informed that there is such a thing as a top and bottom lesbian. I should like to document this.

Monster

Ass up, ass down. That's how it ended but how did it start? Ouais, je parle français et vous, parlez-vous français? Un peu. I pulled on his cheeks - Joey. And the jaye-jaye ladke were not kosher.

Luchos

I was there, so was he and he. I was a little tipsy, so was he and he. We walked into the ghetto club, reggaeton rhythms and jaye-jaye ladke. And then the past came back to haunt him. I remember still the image of the bottom, he was there nose high in the air, ass sticking out behind him, tummy sticking out in front. He stood there across the street and I found it repulsive. Then the top traversed the street and pulled him away. I should've been making out with the hot latin men but I couldn't get the nepali doll out of my head.

Neer

Nepali doll, I lovingly rubbed her arm as the perfume of her body took over all my senses and drove me crazy. Scattered eyebrows, raspy voice, eyes that speak to me - how do I get the thought of her out of my mind when she's fully permeated my body?

The trip that will be

I haven't slept for three nights straight. Everything seems a little blurry, I'm walking about in a daze. Excitement's slowly waning, it's being eclipsed by growing fatigue. Why must I begin every voyage comme ça? In my excitement, I go tell everyone. I tell Bruno who doesn't listen, the lady who works at Buffalo who smiles politely, then turns and walks away. I also tell my friend repeatedly till he swears not to take any more of my calls. I tell myself, over and over again, till insomnia takes over. Month-long preparations have led to this... at last, fruition. I set sail tomorrow!

What did I do?

He didn't even make eye contact with me today. What did I do?

A serving of the usual: Cold feet

And I could sense the discomfort that had been born in our midst from the past encounter. Standing there, I felt the distance grow from a few feet to miles; he smiled awkwardly. I remember it from last night - red skies, the mark of a storm brewing but it was une signe fausse and I crawled into my blanket for no reason, no reason at all. I dreamed his dreams, I gave myself the confidence of expression. And just as it'd come last night, it faded this morning. I made for the gaping entrance and hurled myself through it. But as it got wider, I did glance back - a quick fleeting glance - at the one, to be acknowledged. But he was surrounded by an impatient mob. And the whole world came crashing down to the cold sidewalk and splattered everywhere like her vulgarly corpulent spit.

Monsoon flashbacks

Monsoon flashbacks; these are my kind of rains. I'm not one for the delicate spitting that usually is the Toronto rain. The rains are falling heavy as I reminisce of the days upon days of relentless rain mixed with the distinct perfume of the earth.

A sonnet for Bruno

Coming soon...

Long day

• Saturday + Friends = Muy fun
• Zoo => Fear, will it be fun?
• Heat => Fear^2
• Caged animal => Guilt, at least for a bit
• Cats = grace. What if cats were to evolve into a human-like species?
• Cats... I love their paws. Is that why I love Puma?
• A man who is startled by a butterly
• *Yech* The hippo stinks + 2 hippobottomuses m'accompagne.
• Wow, these girls are just as loud as me.
• Orangutan + Gorilla + Monkey => I see evolution before my eyes
• Why is the cobra asleep? I feel like knocking on the glass.
• A python about to shed. It's perspiring and saggy. I didn't know snakes were like that...
• As big as a horse... whaaa'?
• Flamingos flamingos, come dance with me flamingos (on one leg, of course)
• Elephants, oliphants, ... => Shit the size of a house
• *Yech* The two hippobottomuses and I reek
• NXNE... country?!? At least it's energetic => icky sticky
• Fuzzminko... fuzzy peach, it all sounds gross.
• I'm annoying
• Bubble Tea + a long walk + legalizing drugs & prostitution?
• Collapse into bed

Snap out of it Fiona!

He was there, behind the velvet curtains laced with the intricately-woven gold rope. I pulled it aside only to see his sallow eyes in the gaping emptiness behind. He asked me what I would do in his situation... I didn't know what to say. I'd never been in his situation, I never could imagine what it would be like. But I did feel, yes I did feel, the lack of compassion in that other one. He possesses a made-up, artifical compassion. And he came crashing down to earth, little angel that he'd been. His wings were broken, he was human once again. Why would you say something you don't mean? Why would little things in people ignite such a reaction within you? It's something minor, let it go. But no, they cling on to it for all they're worth. The other one, with whom this relationship has ended... we've set adrift on different trajectories. But if we can let ourselves grow that distant, was this relationship ever that important to us... because if it had been, wouldn't we have made an effort to stay in touch? I was blessed, instead, with a judgemental old man and some young twits. And I sank into the depths of hopelessness, then I rose...

Now I am in awe of this photo... I have been for quite long...


Yes yes, I know that his butt-crack shows. Call it lewd or w/e but I love it. Look at the henna tattoo on his back... exquisite! =P

Haha... *swoon*
Snap out of it Fiona!

Sola Singhaar

The list I've been able to compile...

• Gajraa (flowers in the hair)
• Teeka/Bindi
• Jhoomar (jewellery that goes on one side of the forehead)
• Haar/Guluband (necklace)
• Kaante (earrings)
• Angoothi (ring)
• Bazuband (armlet)
• Pazaib (anklet)
• Choodiyan (bangles)
• Koka (nose ring)
• Dandaasa (lipstick)
• Surma/Kaajal (eyeliner)
• Mehndi/Henna
• Ubtan (Sandalwood paste)
• Perfume
• Garments

Thehro lagaii aaon nainon main kajraa
Chotee main goondh aaoon phoolon ka gajraa
Main to kar aaon sola singhaar re

I think I'm going crazy. There's only so much of this that I can take. It's this constant battle. Why is every day a battle? What the fuck am I doing wrong? I've made many attempts and it just falls through. Am I to blame? Perhaps partially? Is she to blame? What the fuck's becoming of my world? It's spinning... I want to rip out my brain and end its misery.

...

What the fuck am I doing? Which path am I going down? In the mind, anything is possible. You simplify life to a few variables; you tell yourself that you don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks. But the fact remains that you do have to live with the rest of the world and what they think does matter. What are my plans for the future? Where do I see myself 10 years from now? I don't know! Perhaps I'm going down completely the wrong path which'll lead to self-destruction. I think it's time to stop and think for a bit or it might just get too late to turn back.

Za za za

Za za za, yakaza yakaza. I cannot get this out of my head. This voice keeps repeating "za za za" at the back of my mind... how do I make it stop? (za za za)

Perfume

I'm in love...

Perseguiré
los ratros de este afán
como busca el agua a la sed
la estela de tu perfume

Me atravesó
tu suave vendabal
rumbo a tu recuerdo seguí
la senda de tu perfume

No hay soledad
que aguante del tirón
el impulso antiguo y sutil
del eco de tu perfume